So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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