help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
