I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
