True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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