Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
