Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
