so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize