Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
