I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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