Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
we're so committed to being not committed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
