Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
