everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
