The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
