We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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