the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
