3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
being pregnant is like rehab
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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