I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize