What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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