We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I AM VODKA MAN
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
