my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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