Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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