Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
