It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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