the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize