First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
