dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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