You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
