he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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