I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
