I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
