Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
