i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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