You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize