Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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