I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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