farters have to be the big spoon...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sober January is a disaster.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
