She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
