The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
