Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize