I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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