do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
