I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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