i need an iv and a liver transplant
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
