nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
