you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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