Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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