I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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