He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
