Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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