you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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