called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
