I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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