Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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