Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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