I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize