Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just forgot I was standing up.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
