Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
