I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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