shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
