In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
