Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
