I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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