I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
