i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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