Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
