stop calling my apartment porn island.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
